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Zette Harbour ~ Social Impact Coach

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Podcast

Jul 03 2021

Episode 18 Transforming Happiness with Lisa Lopez

Lisa Lopez of Live Happy Coaching shares her insights into the true nature of happiness and whether it’s possible to feel happy even when life takes a painful turn.


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My book, Love Lies Beneath: How Reclaiming My Soul Through Story Became The Secret To Healing My Heart is available in paperback and as a Kindle at Amazon. 


Transcript

all transcripts are approximations of the conversation


Transforming Happiness

Zette Harbour 0:02
Welcome to Love Lies Beneath. I’m Zette Harbour. I’m glad to have you here. Do you feel like stress, fear or pain take up way too much of your energy? Have you wondered if you’ll ever be free of that heaviness of your past? Do you long to feel as good on the inside as your life looks on the outside?

Zette Harbour 0:44
In this podcast, you’ll discover the story of who you really are, and how to set yourself free. Together, we’re going to travel into those wild spaces of our inner landscapes, and dive deeply into the rich soil of our lives, reclaiming Soul through Story and healing our Hearts. My book, Love Lies Beneath is the map. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast so you don’t miss any of this enriching journey. And now, let the adventure begin.

Zette Harbour 1:43
In Episode 18, we are going to explore the question of whether it’s possible to be happy even when life does not go the way you want it to. Remember to bring along your kind curiosity and listen for the story wisdom, as my guest, Lisa Lopez shares her story.

Happiness Coaching

Zette Harbour 2:14
I’m Zette Harbour and today I am here with Lisa Lopez. And you’ve heard of the happiest place on earth. I want you to meet the happiest person on earth. Lisa is a certified life coach. She and I got to do our training together for the at the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching. Welcome, Lisa, tell us about you and a little bit about your work.

Lisa Lopez 2:40
Well, thank you Zette, that is such a huge compliment. I hope I can live up to being the happiest person on earth. It’s definitely a work in progress, by the way, so thank you for that. I don’t know if I’ve ever been titled that before. But I’m happily accepting that. So I’d love to talk about myself. So I am a happiness coach. It is one of my personal missions to help people live happier lives. And currently, that takes the form in men, women, some teens. I work with businesses and organizations to help elevate the happiness culture at work, which I think we can all relate to and understand the value in that. So that’s currently what I am working on. I say that because it’s definitely been an evolution.

Lisa Lopez 3:27
You know, I’ve worked with a lot of different types of people, but I’ve kind of settled into, you know, working with people by mid life, you know, people who have achieved a certain level of success, check the boxes of what they thought would make them happy in terms of the home in the family and the career and, you know, maybe send their kids off to college and then realized, Oh, my gosh, I’m not actually happy and fulfilled in my life and what’s missing. And so that’s where I come in. And I help people to really, really get clear on what happiness looks like for them. And that is so completely unique to each and every person, it doesn’t look like anybody else’s. And that’s totally okay. And I help people understand that, celebrate that, and then figure out how to get more of that happiness into their life. So that’s kind of what I I do and what I’m passionate about.

Zette Harbour 4:20
And it’s a such a great fit for you, isn’t it?

Lisa Lopez 4:22
Yeah, it really is. Again, it’s kind of this work in progress. But I you know, I really tapped into, why am I happy? And what did that look like for me? And how did I get there after you know, a very colorful life with quite a few challenges and some different definite measurablel crisises. The fact that I am able to wake up and really live and celebrate a life I love, I had a look back at that and say, you know, what did I did do and what’s the science to support that? So that’s kind of where I came to be a happiness coach, which is my own life experience walking the talk. And then really relying on the science and understanding how you know, human behavior and all of that works and infuse that with my love of movement. And I came up with being a certified happiness coach.

Zette Harbour 5:12
Absolutely. And I really love hearing, you know, you’re you’re alluding to the fact that life is not just always working out perfectly in order for you to experience happiness, or in order for your clients to experience happiness, right? I’m imagining that the first thing you have to work on with clients is like, What is happiness?

Lisa Lopez 5:32
Absolutely, absolutely. And, you know, I think that people have a lot of misconceptions around that, and have been socialized to really label emotions good and bad. And so a lot of what I do is just educating people on being an acceptance of all emotions, really embracing them. And recognizing that really is the pathway to experiencing more positive emotions is by allowing yourself to welcome and see the value in those moments of crisis, or the struggle, or the sadness, all of those things. We’ve really kind of looked at them as the enemy, when in fact, there is so much value and growth to be had there. So it really is about educating people in a new way.

Zette Harbour 6:22
Oh, I love that. It’s so great. Because, you know, I think too often, the idea is that in order to feel happy, I have to pretend that everything’s okay. When in fact, that sets you up for pretty big kind of emotional disasters and train wrecks, doesn’t it?

The Full Spectrum Of Feelings

Lisa Lopez 6:39
Yeah, and here’s the thing, we’re all telling ourselves the same lies. It’s like taking blinders off when you realize that everybody’s wearing the same mask and doing the same thing. And we’re like, why are we doing this? You know, why not just be real or you know, right. not have those conversations, share that sense of community with the struggle. It’s really empowering.

Zette Harbour 7:08
It’s like an internal fitness routine or an internal fitness practice, right?

Lisa Lopez 7:13
Totally. Totally.

Zette Harbour 7:16
Yeah. I mean, I can see that it’s aligned so much with because I think your earlier work you had thought maybe you were going to be more of a fitness work in the fitness area.

Lisa Lopez 7:25
Yeah, I mean, I love fitness. You know, I’ve been, I’m not a lifelong athlete, quite honestly. But actually a midlife athlete athlete, I started, you know, running and doing endurance events, when I was like, 3536 years old. So I definitely have a passion for that. And ironically, I knew this already, but I love science-based evidence, you know, that when you move your body you feel happier. So I was like, Yeah, I already know that. Thank you science. So that was definitely something. It was important to me to help people reconnect with themselves in that way. without judgment, whatever that is for you. It’s so I’m really adamant about using the word movement and not fitness because of that reason we have alot of fear and judgment.

Zette Harbour 8:20
Yeah, I love that, that that shift from fitness, because it has such a like, Oh my gosh, I’m gonna, I’m gonna fail kind of feeling right. I’m not gonna quite make it or it’s gonna be hard compared to movement, which does sound very inviting.

Lisa Lopez 8:37
Yeah, yeah. And also, it’s inviting, and it opens you up to possibilities. While I’m moving when I’m vacuuming the house, right? Or I’m moving when I’m gardening. Yeah, moving when I’m doing my dance party in the kitchen, that all counts. And I think allowing people that really see that and embrace that and celebrate that is so important. Because again, we’re so judgmental of ourselves, we constantly comparing ourselves to others. We’re always saying we’re not enough, especially in terms of our health and body. So this is really about, I think, just acknowledging that what you’re doing is enough, and it can get even better. That’s wonderful.

Zette Harbour 9:13
Yeah, I think that’s one of the things that I noticed, not just for me, but even my clients or family and friends, is when we forget to celebrate even the small things like yeah, vacuuming is movement, it qualifies. In fact, it makes the vacuuming a hell of a lot more meaningful when you know, it’s improving your physical well being right. But celebrating that is such an important thing to do, because you really get to be present to your life in such a deeper way,

Celebrating All The Things

Lisa Lopez 9:44
Right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. When you bring that level of appreciation to your life and everything you do, you know, absolutely everything from again, like we’re talking about these household chores, or whatever it is, it just makes things so different. And we we’ve studied this In our school, which is about the energy, right? It’s really about the energy that you bring to it. And so yeah, you can vacuum and you can feel like, Man, it’s not enough, that I hate doing this every day. I really love this. This is really helping me clean my house and move my body at the same time, how awesome is that? Right?

Zette Harbour 10:17
Oh, absolutely. You know, they actually did a study where they took two groups of hotel housekeepers. So with the one group, they told them how many calories they were burning by doing their their work as housekeeper, you know, cleaning the rooms and making the beds. And the other group, they did not. But they measured their outcomes. And they, they did the same exact amount of work, the same exact kind of work. But the ones who knew that it had this added benefit, actually, their health and well being improved their their the state of their bodies improved, based on the knowledge that they had the connection, they were able to make that work.

Lisa Lopez 10:56
Yeah, I believe it. I think I’ve read that too, actually.

Zette Harbour 11:00
It’s pretty amazing. I mean, the power of story is what that really tells me is that I can have a story that chains me to the bottom of the ocean, the deepest, darkest cave under the you know, ocean, or I can have a story that just floats me up to the stars, right. And so these two groups of housekeepers, one, they had a story that was doing all this work and getting paid this money, whatever. The other group had the story that, Oh, I’m doing all this work, I’m getting paid this money, and I’m improving my fitness what. So that story lifted them purely because they had it in their mind.

Lisa Lopez 11:37
Isn’t it amazing? It’s so true. It’s so true. I mean, and I think it’s even more empowering to understand that we are completely in control of the story that we tell ourselves,

Zette Harbour 11:48
Right? That was one of the first things that really just blew my hair back. Back in the day when I was doing therapy. This was like 30 ish years ago. And my therapist was great, because she combined a lot of different modalities. And she introduced me to Carl young and Joseph Campbell, as well as many other things. And, and it was just them that it was sort of dawning on me. Oh, you mean all that stuff that I thought was sort of hard facts about the way my life had been? was really story. And like any story, if I told it to myself, I had the choice to tell myself a different story, not a lie, but a story that looked at it from a different point of view.

Neuroplasicity

Lisa Lopez 12:30
So true. And what’s even more exciting is now that we know what the study of neuroplasticity is that when you actually can, you can actually go back in time and revisit that same story, and have a different version of that story. And that will actually create new neural pathways in your brain. So that’s even more exciting because you can really change how you experience that in terms of all the like dopamine heads and everything that’s actually happening in your brains chemistry.

Zette Harbour 12:58
So I love that that there is this science that affirms that we do have the power to really give our brain a chance to not, not like I said, lie about the story, but to experience it, understand with it, engage with it in a way that is more empowering. And that’s the empowerment is what you’re i think is what you’re saying creates those chemicals in the brain, the dopamine, right that the serotonin, I’m guessing it reduces cortisol as well. Right?

Lisa Lopez 13:29
Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, no, it’s it’s, it’s been probably one of the most exciting discoveries, I think, in decades to understand that we can actually have that type of control over our brain, that we can do things like that, that we even if fundamentally, and this is truth, fundamentally, some of us are born less happy than others, it’s just reality. But for years, for years, scientists thought that there was nothing we could really do about it. It’s like you could be happy for a while. But fundamentally, you’re going to go back to baseline, and that might be a not so happy for you. And so those people would have to work really, really hard in order to experience that. But now we know that you can actually create those neural pathways. And that is amazing. Because what that means is you can change your baseline that you don’t have to stay that way, through habit formation, practicing celebration, gratitude, savoring, and all of these different things that we’ve learned through the Science of Happiness. You literally can be a happier person.

Zette Harbour 14:32
Oh, yeah. And that is so exciting. And I would add, I’m guessing nutrition plays a role and movement, right? For sure. For sure, all of that. Well, I love to ask, you know, do you have a story in your life that you felt really transformed the way you experienced yourself? And that really showed you the power of story for you?

Lisa Lopez 14:54
Yeah, I mean, I think I mean, I shared this with you that I we have come together at this Very interesting time in my life, where I’ve had some really big shifts in my happiness and in the way that I see things so much differently. And this just recently happened during the time of COVID. You know, I’m sure what people are like, yeah, I had shifts too.

A Look Back

Lisa Lopez 15:20
This was very unexpected. So just to give you a little bit of background about me, I was a victim of domestic violence very early in life. I had a child with a man who abused me, and was a medic, and I was in my early 20s, at the time, and it’s just a kid myself very naive, and I ended up Luckily, you know, leaving him fleen, a house was being held captive through a window, literally crawled out with my one and a half year old son, and he kind of escaped to my family who, you know, was kind enough to just take me in and protect me. And it was a very traumatic time in my life. And at that time, I had a lot of anger, I had a lot of anger, because I felt that nobody really saw what I was going through. I wasn’t I didn’t feel acknowledged or validated for the pain.

Lisa Lopez 16:18
And I feel felt very judged, honestly, by a lot of people who were in my life at that time, including my father, my son’s father’s family who didn’t provide any support, even though they had a history of abusing women. And I just felt very alone. And I remember feeling that way. I remember looking in the mirror at my parents bathroom and thinking, how did I get here? How did I become this victim at the time, is what I felt like, how did I become this victim? I’ve always considered myself this very strong young woman and nobody’s gonna do anything to me and everything that I never thought I would be I was single moms, no money, had to go back to my parents house, a victim of abuse, I felt crushed, and I really felt invisible.

Lisa Lopez 17:05
I remember feeling like, So fast forward, you know, I end up my life moves on. I, you know, do a lot of healing, and almost kind of not hit that part of myself. But I just just kind of left that girl there, you know, just kind of moving forward on this child and not, you know, I have to all these things I’m busy doing, not really feeling like what we do. Keep going, I’m not going to take a look at the feelings, you know. And at that time, I don’t think I even have the tools to process what had happened to me. So fast forward in life coach, all this stuff happens. And I ended up having two sons and my oldest son ends up having two children with his partner who he’s been with for 10 years who as like a daughter to us, we pretty much raised her in some aspects. They were together so young, you know, within like highschool sweethearts.

Fresh Heartbreak

Lisa Lopez 17:58
So what happened this year, which was totally unexpected was that during COVID, right at the break of COVID, they ended up breaking up. And what was the most expect unexpected about it was there was an incident where they got both on intoxicated, and it broke out in violence. So the claim was that, you know, my son had hurt her these turn in some sense. And she had reached out to me when it happened shortly after having been in tears, saying that they had, you know, drink this alcohol and this had happened and, you know, she had bruises on her. She didn’t know what happened. And so my reaction immediately was, don’t go back. Don’t go back. Right. I said, you know, if you feel threatened at all, take the kids go, don’t go back. I don’t want you to go back. So that was a conversation that happened.

Lisa Lopez 18:52
What ensued was this huge custody battle where it was he said, she said, You know, my son’s saying this didn’t happen. She’s saying it did happen. And what what ended up the outcome was we were she kept our grandkids from us for a year so we did not see our grandkids for a year we had no contact my son was unable to see his children for a year. He’s now living with us. It’s this relationship is just it’s it’s broken and fragmented where literally the weeks before that were like this happy for everybody’s happy family. We spent Christmas together was like oh my gosh, is this great thing and then now, we don’t have our grandchildren. My son lost his entire family home everything. We don’t know what’s happening with her. There’s no communication, she completely cuts us off.

Lisa Lopez 19:39
So this 10 year relationship is now it’s gone. I mean, we were just devastated as you can imagine. picking up the pieces now I’m the mom of the the man being accused of abuse, and now boom, all those feelings that I had, you know buried as being the victim of a domestic violence. Start to come up, you know, I’m like, Oh my gosh, how can my son do this to another person? Like, how not not my son, you know, and I’m, I’m now I’m like, Oh my goodness, like, look at how history is repeating itself. This is the this is what’s happening in my mind. You know, I start all my fears of Oh, is this like a gene that, you know, isn’t that my son has now like, thoughts of that start to happen for me, you know, all this fear was a How did I, how did I raise a child where this would happen? You know, and then, you know, understand like, yeah, this was like, isolated time, but he said, okay, no, it’s not okay, so I’m dealing with all these emotions that he’s when when he lost his family. I know he’s not a monster, you know? Yeah. So.

Lisa Lopez 20:41
So I’m now I’m forced to be on the other side, where I’m not the victim. I’m how I’m like, I’m trying to protect my son. Now. I’m worried about his well being and his kids. Me. So I’m starting to like, Oh, my gosh, I I’m starting to have understanding now for those people that I used to judge when I was the one who was being abused. And I’m starting to understand how it was possible that they could see things differently. And it made a lot of sense, because now I’m the mom who wants to take care of their child. No. And what do I do? Do I kick them out? Do I let him what you know, this is a guy who’s new hasn’t He’s never done this before. He’s not a bad guy. He made a bad bad decision, you know? And so now I’m like, oh, and then I see her. What about her? You know, how do I support her? How do I support him? How do I support her? Where am I on this? So it was so and it continues to be like I’m choked up right now. Because it’s so raw, because of the pain of I felt as a victim and feeling that feeling like I was invisible feeling like I wanted somebody to hear me and now I’m on the I have the ability to do that for her. But it would mean it cost to my own child. Right?

Lisa Lopez 21:53
So what do you do in in the legal process, right? Everything’s, everything’s twisted. Every word matters. This. Now if I do this, that can mean he loses his children, am I willing to make that decision? So all of this stuff starts to happen for us. And then when the time came, and, you know, I was asked to testify on the relationship that we had with her because she was saying, Oh, we weren’t part of their lives. And they released grandparent, you know, so there’s a lot of things going on from her that were untrue in order to protect her self, right, I get it you we get it, I get it, right. But then I’m asked the question, I know, it’s my turn, would she say to you, and she called. And I just bypassed it, no outline, outline, right? But you’re just kind of bypassing it. And that moment, I just knew that I made her invisible. You know, I knew what I just did. I just did to her what I felt other people did to me. So that was just so I knew it a moment, the words came out of my mouth, like,

Lisa Lopez 23:00
I mean, never in a million years, but I think I would ever do that, because of my experience. But I get it, I get it, you know. And so what the situation taught me was a lot of things. And I don’t think my learnings done by any means. But it made me have tremendous empathy for so many of the people that were involved, not only in her situation, the situation, not that, you know, now, it also gave me tremendous empathy for what I went through, and why people acted the way they did not like I approve or acceptive, I understand it. Now. I understand how people can make decisions like that. And so it’s been, it’s been an incredibly hard situation for me because of that, you know, I think oftentimes, it’s very easy to stand back and say what you will do, but when you’re in the situation, and it means your child and their children and your family, what will you really do? What will you really do? And again, that’s not a judgment, because, you know, we make our decisions, and we live with those consequences. And that’s sometimes part of our learning. Some are good decisions for you, and some are just an opportunity to learn, right? But I just never thought that I would want to be in that situation or really make that decision that I did.

Transformed By The Truth

Zette Harbour 24:20
What a powerful story about being brought home to a really transformational moment in your early life through this transformational moment in your your son’s life and finding that there’s no perfect. Right?

Lisa Lopez 24:40
So choose that. I just feel like that’s that is it. I feel like I had so much judgment for other people. How could you do that? You’re wrong. You’re a bad person. You’re evil like how could you How could you defend an abuser? So much rage, right? And then I did it. Like I get it, I get how that can happen. And so there is no perfection like that. And I feel that the moment that you you step into that judgment, you lose, you lose connection to the common humanity that we all make errors. You know, we’re not perfect people, we really aren’t. And it’s, it’s hard not to judge, especially in very serious situations like that. But now I understand more, you know, I understand how it is possible. And it’s it’s very humbling, very humbling.

Zette Harbour 25:30
Yeah. And you know, the word humbling really also means that your heart softened, I think, right? I’m hearing the resists expansion and softening of your own heart for that early experience in those people who you had felt betrayed you at that time. And it’s so true when we’re in situations where we’re not really we don’t have the resources, whether it’s physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual resources to feel safe. You know, you’re describing that in both of these situations, when we lack those, we do have to come up with a story that keeps us from drowning in the moment, and those stories, you know, I think of it like a shipwreck, you know, these moments, these two times in your life when you yourself, were abused and escaping, and then having to face a situation where your son was being accused and having all that turmoil that that came with that not seeing your grandchildren for a year. Those are like shipwrecks in your life. And for me, when I’ve had shipwrecks in my life, just to not drown, I will grab any piece of garbage floating around, whoo, splintered wood, whatever it is, whatever broken thing I can to hang on to to keep me afloat long enough so that maybe I can make my way back to shore.

Lisa Lopez 26:45
Yeah, no, it’s really true. And I think that this is the thing that I noticed about myself, and where the years of work came into play, which is, I resisted the temptation to justify my actions. And I just sat with it the mistake, I knew immediately, I turned to my son, and I said, I should have never said that I was wrong. Hmm, I was wrong. And I reached out to her and I told her I was wrong with this, you know, like, you know, there’s a lot I mean, it’s one, it’s, I think that the emotional charge of the situation is one thing, but I had to reconcile that I wasn’t abandoning my younger self when I made that decision.

Zette Harbour 27:30
Yeah,

Lisa Lopez 27:31
it wasn’t abandoning her, you know, I acted from the place that I’m at now, which is not her anymore. But by being able to admit the mistake, I honored myself my younger self. Right?

Zette Harbour 27:44
Yeah, I think that word abandoning is so like elemental that is the sort of the apex, right. That’s the crucible of it. All right, that when we have to abandon ourselves, that’s when we’re going to suffer, we’re going to feel terrible. And it’s not that you don’t still feel pain about your action. But my gosh, so much less than you would if you were constantly having to convince yourself every day that it was okay, and you did the right thing.

Lisa Lopez 28:11
So true, beautifully put. And I what I did was I opened up to the opportunity to grow much more quickly than if I were to try to be in denial of the fact that I’m imperfect, you know, really, and so it’s it’s definitely it’s still, you know, it’s still very, very, like, new, it’s still open wound for me. But I love having conversations about it. Because even you know, your feedback right now, and the insights that you’re providing me, it helps me heal, it helps me heal to better understand, yeah, that’s a great perspective, or, you know, whatever it is, and, and I do feel like that’s where freedom is, is that to be able to be vulnerable at that level, to have people come and have conversations that are so uncomfortable for you, and realize that they’re, we’re all in it together, and we’re all here to help each other and heal each other. But that only happens when you’re willing to go there and be real with each other like that.

Zette Harbour 29:13
Yeah. And that honesty with yourself, which really comes without judgment, actually, which might sound strange, right? Because you’d almost expect that you’re you would suddenly be like hyper critical of yourself or judgmental about yourself for having taken an action that you feel is wrong. But what I’m not hearing that what I’m hearing is just an honesty and a willingness to show up for yourself to yourself, not judging yourself or making yourself into a bad person, but recognizing that we all act in ways that are an expression of the vulnerability, the fear, the stress, the pain that we experience, right,

Lisa Lopez 29:48
So true and how common we are to give that type of empathy and grace to others but how resistant we are to give it to ourselves.

Zette Harbour 29:56
Yeah, and do we really give it to others if we haven’t given it to ourselves? Right. It’s conditional. I think on some level, it must be right. Because Yeah, yeah, I don’t I don’t know that we’re able to extend greater compassion and open heartedness to others than we can do for ourselves ultimately, right?

Parenting Perfectly Imperfectly

Lisa Lopez 30:16
Yeah. I also think I think it was a very interesting exercise in the parental relationship. And just understanding that, you know, our children put us on a pedestal A lot of times, and then we feel this obligation to be perfect. And it’s a huge responsibility and burden to try and maintain that facade. And I don’t think we give I don’t think it’s a benefit to them when we hide our imperfections, because then we don’t give them permission to be imperfect too.

Zette Harbour 30:54
Right and imperfect with that sort of lack of self criticism, lack of judgment, right? If you show up and you’re acknowledging your imperfections, through like beating yourself up all the time, that doesn’t empower your children in either, right? But the fact that you come to them with this honest embrace of here’s who I am, here’s something I did, here’s how I feel about it. And here’s why. And I accept myself, even though this is a difficult thing for me. Mm hmm.

Lisa Lopez 31:23
Yeah, it really, it really opened, it really opened a really beautiful conversation with my son where he was able to support me, you know, and that was, I felt it actually felt great. Although at first he wanted to defend me, of course, Mom, like she tried to take away our kids, you know, it makes sense that you would do that, you know, you get a job done. And I was like, No, no, no, no, no, doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work that way. And then for me to be able to just listen and learn from him and have him, you know, give to me, because I think as, as mothers as women, we are always great at giving, giving, giving, but when people try to give it to us what happens, we’re like, oh, no, I got this, I’m good. I’m good.

Lisa Lopez 32:08
But what I’ve learned over time, is when you do that, you are really not allowing the full expression of that connection to occur. And when you’re able to just sit wounded, and like one of your lowest moments and just like allow someone to love you, and allow someone to support you, where traditionally there’s been this hierarchy. Mm hmm. You know, it’s like, oh, my gosh, how amazing I look i i with this person and see them as your as your peer and your confidence and all these things. So I feel like our relationship really, it took a really big turn for the better. That Yeah, I learned from you, you learn from me, it’s great. So it’s been painful, but amazing in the same breath. And honestly, just you know, for those listening, I know, everybody wants to hear the happy ending. Which is, you know, the experience is painful. It was it literally transformed my son’s life. And he did so much healing. And he is an incredible father and young man beyond what he ever was before, because he had to go through all of this. And so did we. So I you know, now we see our grandkids, he’s with his kids again, but he’s just an entirely different person because of the experience.

Rumpeltstiltskin

Zette Harbour 33:31
So well, that is the gift. And, you know, this, this episode is going to air right about the time where I’m talking about a story called Rumplestiltskin. I think I talked to you about that. And that story is so very much about having these extraordinarily painful, stressful, even life threatening moments, you know, and the fear or facing the possibility of not ever seeing your children or your grandkids You know, that’s about as close to life threatening emotionally and spiritually is even someone trying to kill you physically, right? Those moments bring us to places and in the story, the young woman she’s betrayed by her father, and the king threatens her life unless she can spin straw into gold, which who can do that? That’s not a thing. But somehow her father got in his head that he would tell the king she could you know, what was he thinking? Right? He wanted to look good and feel good for a moment.

Zette Harbour 34:31
So she finds herself in these rooms with the stacks of straw, you know, the first night and she’s facing down. And in that moment, she she this strange little man comes into the room and in exchange for some payment, he spins the straw into gold for her. So we all I think, you know, kind of remember it happens three times. And then finally the king says you’ve done such an amazing job of making me rich, I’m gonna marry you and you’re gonna be queen and you know, meanwhile, she As promised the her firstborn child to the strange little man, which is big price to pay, but she doesn’t know that until she has the child. And then she’s faced with having to turn that child over. And he says, you know, tell me my name, and you keep your child.

Zette Harbour 35:13
And so what I’m hearing in your story is, you know, it’s the betrayal, it’s the being put in an impossible situation, it’s going into your grief like she did, and the man that Rumpelstiltskin is actually this incredible force within us. That is what transforms our grief, the ordinary events of our life, even the shift covered straw of our life into gold, but only if we can name it at the end. And you just named it when you shared certainly where you are with this and where your son is as a result of this. So both of your journeys through this have really helped you both claim that within you that allows you to transform the straw of your life into gold. Have that it’s so beautiful. Yeah,

Lisa Lopez 35:58
I love it. I love how that all came together. And so true. It’s absolutely so true. And even when you were talking, I was thinking you’re right, you know, it’s we do kind of get in this fight or flight defense mechanism when we are feeling detailed, and we are being attacked. But it doesn’t mean that our actions are necessarily right, for that reason, right. But being able to kind of tap into that other part of us and look at it more deeply is really that’s that’s the gold part of there.

Zette Harbour 36:29
Yeah. And how would you have even learned what all this meant, if you had not taken that action that you immediately regretted?

Lisa Lopez 36:38
I don’t know. I mean, I’m not even I can’t even describe to you how much I grew because of that decision. I mean, literally, it pushed me so much further in my life in terms of not judging people,

Zette Harbour 36:51
How deeply it transformed the earlier story that you had, without probably even any effort whatsoever. Your own journey into this territory of seeing yourself act and speak in a way that you recognize wasn’t really who you thought you were right. But if you hadn’t done that, you’d still have those old stories about all those people.

Lisa Lopez 37:15
Oh, yeah, for sure. And it did really impact me in a lot of profound ways, raising my son, my relationship with other people, everything, how I saw things so much differently. And now I just, it’s almost just like this, I think you use the word like a soft mean. It’s like a softening of just acceptance. And there’s, there’s more than one way to look at things. And I knew that, but I didn’t feel it until I was in it. Now I’m like, wow, this is just this is this is really, I’m, I’m grateful for the experience. I’m grateful for the experience.

Zette Harbour 37:53
And that, my friends is where they all live happily ever after… until the next time.

Zette Harbour 38:06
When you can come to the place of gratitude, that is genuine that is not positivity washing, or you know, any of that it’s truly you. You walked the full walk to receive the gold of your experience.

Lisa Lopez 38:19
Yeah. And I feel like it’s still there’s gonna be still more nuggets to be had down the road. You know, I’m very open to it and hopeful of, you know, whatever transpires as a result of this. So

Zette Harbour 38:32
Yeah, you’re right, it will continue to unfold over time. How beautiful, yeah. And I know that there are people listening for whom this story has really spoken to their own experience, from whatever point of view that is, right. And so I’m really grateful, I really want to preach, tell you how much I appreciate your willingness to step into this place of vulnerability and share the story today.

Connect With Lisa

Lisa Lopez 38:57
Well, thank you for having this platform for me to do it and other people to share their stories because we you know, we know this is that’s how we all grow is that she shared storytelling and being able to relate to other people’s pain and struggles. So thank you, thank you for doing this.

Zette Harbour 39:11
Oh, my pleasure. It’s so delightful for me to be present to you no other people’s story, kind of, like delicious, and you know, nutritious at the same time. But again, I also it’s just such a delight. So I’m curious, you know, if you have noticed, although it’s you know, still very fresh, but what have you noticed has shifted in your approach to working with clients as a result of this experience?

Lisa Lopez 39:39
You know, I definitely feel that I invite them to explore more without judgment and providing that space for them. You know, I think a lot of times we have all we have our stories, right? And we have our experience as a wife, and that’s all we know. And so when I’m with my clients I’m very intentional about opening them up to other options and what would that look like and just throw it all out there you just, you know, without judgment, like you don’t have to make a decision. It’s not about right or wrong. Let’s just like keep opening it up, keep exploring, keep playing bring more and more and more and more and more until there’s like nothing more you can think of, and then take a look. Right. So I think that that’s something that is definitely one of my biggest takeaways that I’ve applied to my practice since this happened.

Zette Harbour 40:29
So if folks want to learn more about the work you do to connect with you talk with you meet with you. How can they find you?

Lisa Lopez 40:36
Yeah, they can find me at LiveHappyCoaching.com, that’s the name of my company. Or they can you know, they can follow me. I’m on Instagram at Live Happy Life Coaching as well as Facebook. So that would probably be the best way to contact me.

Zette Harbour 40:49
Wonderful, LiveHappyCoaching.com fantastic. Yeah. Lisa, thank you so much. This has been such a joyful, lovely, rich journey. Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Zette Harbour 41:03
You are welcome.

Zette Harbour 41:13
I’m Zette Harbour. This is Love Lies Beneath. Please subscribe to this podcast, so that you can be a part of this journey every step of the way. Visit love lies beneath.com for show notes, links, resources and the opportunity to set up a virtual coffee date with me. Will talk story. Go raibh míle maith agat!


Written by Zette · Categorized: Podcast

Jun 26 2021

Episode 17 Why Doesn’t She Just Leave with Lauren Pla

Lauren Pla of Hineni Coaching shares her transformational story that helps us see how our area of growth is also our superpower. And that it’s going to be the place where we do our work and that when we can be grateful for it, we truly transform.


Subscribe to this podcast at Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, and many more.


My book, Love Lies Beneath: How Reclaiming My Soul Through Story Became The Secret To Healing My Heart is available in paperback and as a Kindle at Amazon. 


Transcript

Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?

Zette Harbour 0:00
Welcome to Love Lies Beneath. I’m Zette Harbour. I’m glad to have you here. Do you feel like stress, fear or pain take up way too much of your energy? Have you wondered if you’ll ever be free of that heaviness of your past? Do you long to feel as good on the inside as your life looks on the outside?

Zette Harbour 0:43
In this podcast, you’ll discover the story of who you really are, and how to set yourself free. Together, we’re going to travel into those wild spaces of our inner landscapes, and dive deeply into the rich soil of our lives, reclaiming Soul through Story and healing our Hearts. My book, Love Lies Beneath is the map. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast so you don’t miss any of this enriching journey. And now, let the adventure begin.

Zette Harbour 1:40
In Episode 17, we meet a woman who, much like the weaver’s daughter from Rumpelstiltskin, found herself in a place of peril. And she too, had to find that within her that enabled her to transform the straw of her life into gold. Join me now, as Lauren Pla opens her heart, and shares her story with courage, wisdom, warmth, and humor.

Meet Lauren, Professional Human

Zette Harbour 2:18
Today, I am here with Lauren Pla. And Lauren likes to consider herself a professional human, which is something I truly love. I can’t wait to hear more about that. I also want to read that, you know, you said on your website that, ‘I have a dark sense of humor, swear like it’s my job, and speak fluent sarcasm. I also care deeply about people.’ What a great way to describe yourself. Lauren, welcome. And thank you for being here.

Lauren Pla 2:47
Thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited. I’m getting excited. This is gonna be fun.

Zette Harbour 2:52
Yeah, it really is. It’s a great, thank you. So please tell our listeners more about you, who you are, and the work that you do.

Lauren Pla 3:01
So , I mean, that bio says a lot about me in a couple of words. I’m like, ‘that’s actually really accurate, Lauren.’ So, I am a certified coach. Currently, the way that I’m basically utilizing these amazing coaching skills that I learned, it’s around empowering women a little more than it was in the beginning. What it is, is I really, really believe that we have power within us that we don’t really always recognize because we’re born into, you know, the physical world. And we are taught certain things, most of it out of love by parents and generations and society wanting us to succeed on their terms, which they think is good for everyone. And I really carry a deep belief that we have to get to know ourselves and really honor ourselves. And when you do that, everything else falls into place. And it just so happens that women is kind of a big psychological part and demographic part of that needing to happen.

Lauren Pla 4:07
So it has just sort of morphed into that. But I actually fully believe that men are in this category as well. So let me just put that out there. So I work with men and women that are are having these awarenesses that they’re capable of more, they’re starting to kind of listen to that voice that’s nagging them, and they’re like, ‘I don’t really know what it means, but I feel like it means something.’ And I’m like, ‘Yes, it does. Let’s figure that out for you.’ Yeah, that’s ultimately what I’m how I’m kind of doing it now. And I do have a deep passion for human connection in general, but also in relationships, and not even I don’t even necessarily mean only intimate relationships. I just think human relationships are very important in a way that communication isn’t always established the way that it could be for these, you know, profoundly life changing connections. And so that’s kind of, weave it all together.

Zette Harbour 5:10
I love that. Yes. And life is a weaving of all that. Right? You imagine that you can just pull out one piece and not have it affect the others?

Lauren Pla 5:20
Yes, it’s a grand tapestry, right. And when you start to recognize that there are all these little pieces, and all of them make sense, it’s, it’s just, it’s really beautiful. I, I’m, I can get I can dork out over this for hours.

Zette Harbour 5:35
So just know that you’re in the right place. Because the next question I want to talk to you, you know, lead us to is, let’s talk about story and the role that story plays and all that you’re describing,

The Story Is The Thing

Lauren Pla 5:47
Mmm, story. I mean, I, I have stories. It’s actually funny. I am a storyteller. When I explain something, I leave no detail out. You need all of it for context. And I’ve had so many people in my life be like, just get to the point. And I’m like, if you want me to just get to the point, then the story isn’t worth telling. So I’ll honor you by just not telling the story at all. You know, the story, the story is the thing. That not there is no, the point is the story. Right? Yeah, it’s important. I think it’s important and I can sit and listen to someone telling his story for hours.

Zette Harbour 6:32
Yeah, I read that you really do love to listen and really connect deeply to story. Which is when we first met, you know, talking about being on the podcast, I was just overjoyed because I love to talk story. I love people who love story. And you get that, you know, story you know, can even think of it almost like a delicious meal. If you said to the chef, just get to the point, like inject the nutrients, then you miss all those flavors and textures and aromas and time spent to just soak it all in. Right?

Lauren Pla 7:10
I love that metaphor, that’s like amazing. It’s perfect. It really is that and you know as I go on this journey of really understanding or, you know, I would say trying to figure out why we’re here, right? But um, I’m not even trying to figure out why we’re here. That doesn’t matter. Like what happens once I know the answer to that. It’s more enjoying the experience for the experience’s sake. And that’s the story. That’s the texture and the flavor. And it makes such a difference when you kind of connect those dots and and say like, I’m, I’m here to observe and experience this, like this is this is why I’m here.

Zette Harbour 8:01
Absolutely. Yeah. That really sounds like it, i t speaks to the idea of presence.

Lauren Pla 8:07
Completely.

Zette Harbour 8:08
You know, story, as you and I know, and you’ve even sort of really alluded to is, it’s it’s so ubiquitous and kind of invisible, because we do it all the time without thinking about it. The first time we got on the phone, we started telling each other stories. We didn’t say, ‘Hey, I’m going to tell you a story.’ But that’s how we all relate to one another. And I think, in you know my experience as a storyteller for almost 30 years, is that because it’s so much like breathing, people take it for granted the same way that we can take breathing for granted, you know, but there are also people who understand how to make breathing an art form.

Lauren Pla 8:49
True.

Zette Harbour 8:50
Right, a transformative practice. And I think the same is true story. And I think that you know, coaches, especially the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching, I feel like without them saying it directly, they really nurture and nourish our capacity for becoming present to the story in its fullness. Right?

Lauren Pla 9:13
I love the way that you just said that, and it’s funny because nourish is actually one of my favorite words currently, I find myself using it a lot. I love the way that you just said that. It’s honestly so true. It’s it’s almost like we’re taught above everything else to be present and to listen and understand the story. And I think that, you know, the story too, when you allow someone to tell the story, you you just learn so much more. And I must be like a bit of a story snob because I’m thinking about it now and I love when movies are made and they do a prequel that has the actual backstory of a character. I am all in. I want to understand everything. It could be three hours developing one character, and I’m like, I will watch it. Because I think all of those things are really important. And when you’re coaching someone, we as coaches don’t go as deep as, say, a therapist, you know, that’s not what our job is to do. But there is information there that makes them who they are that is, I think it’s you can’t not know it.

Zette Harbour 10:35
I love that. It’s information that makes them who they are. That because it’s been there so long, it’s become part of the landscape, they don’t even notice it anymore. And so as coaches, if we can say, did you notice that story over there, and then they get to really bring it to life in a way that they get to receive all the richness of that story? Even if it’s a negative story, there’s richness to be gained by becoming present to it becoming aware, and and really acknowledging and accepting it, right. Yeah,

Lauren Pla 11:06
it’s true. And there are so many, you know, the ideas now around writing your own story, right? Like you, maybe you have been part of a story up until now. But you also have the ability, like today is a completely fresh page, it’s a new chapter, you still have a book to finish, you haven’t written your whole book. And it’s really, it’s the story of, you know, your your life and your impact so far, you know, on the planet and in the world, and with the people that you love, and that you know.

The Gift Of Transformation

Zette Harbour 11:41
Is there a story that was a moment in your life, where you connected to a part of yourself, you had not realized was there, and it was transformational for you?

Lauren Pla 11:51
So back in my, let’s say, late teens, I got myself into a relationship that wound up being physically abusive. Probably it was physical and emotional, but it really felt more physical than even emotional, because the physical was there. And I consider myself fairly emotionally intelligent and strong. So there was less capability for him to control that part of me than there was for, you know, the physical. That doesn’t mean that I don’t, it almost makes it harder for me not to question how I stayed in it, because I do consider myself highly educated in that way. But it’s a it’s a fascinating experience, to go through something like that, and, and hear women, other women and other people ask when they see a woman in a relationship, why doesn’t she just leave?

Lauren Pla 12:48
And I went through it, and I still cannot answer that question. I mean, I can tell you the 10 reasons why on any given day, I didn’t until I did, but there’s no simple answer for that. I don’t have you know, what they might consider the social cues, you know, to have fallen into, you know, I had normal middle class loving, loving, married parents, you know, nobody was hitting anybody. It was so uneventful. You know, I couldn’t tell you what led me to this. And so I experienced that relationship for a few years, you know, loved very deeply, and looking back now and every time I learn another skill, you know, whether it’s from IPEC, you know, the energy leadership or whether it’s positive intelligence, or, you know, any of the, you know, cognitive behavioral therapy, I can look back and it can explain more and more how I stayed, or maybe, I know that the audience listening may not understand this. So our level four in our coaching is very heart centered, giving, serving for others. I’m a primary level four. This does not shock anyone that knows me. And my love for him. I wanted to help.

Lauren Pla 14:16
You can always see the potential in someone, right? So it’s like, oh, gosh, like, if you just could handle this part of you, your life could be incredible. And I mean, I believe he probably, he’s an incredible spirit. It’s just he’s got this human experience going on that doesn’t jive with mine. And I loved him the day I left him, you know, but loving someone and recognizing that it’s not going to be good for you and choosing yourself feels really, really selfish. It feels really icky. I had to come to terms with just knowing that there was more out there for me and that just because I was leaving him did not mean that I didn’t love him no matter what he thought, because he obviously felt differently.

Lauren Pla 15:06
And it was a situation where I did have to leave and hide. I mean, I couldn’t. It’s not like I approached him and said, ‘Hey, this, this relationship is over,’ this was, he went to work, I packed anything I could fit in a bag. I had my daughter at that point. And I grabbed her and my cats, and I piled into my mom’s car, and she had to hide me. And so recognizing the strength of that decision did not come for 20 years, probably. Even now, I probably downplay it, because it was just another thing I had to do.

Lauren Pla 15:40
But to your question, you know, really, it’s a defining moment that I can use as a tool to tap into Lauren, you’ve done really hard things. That was an incredibly hard thing. It was physically difficult. It was emotionally difficult. It was spiritually difficult. It was fear. I mean, it, I should give myself more credit for it. And sometimes I do in private, you know, kind of think through it. But that was, you know, there is an inner badass that lives inside of me that is recognized by that thing. Like, I’ll be like, okay, like I did that, I can do other things.

Zette Harbour 16:24
Yeah. And that is a really big story. Yeah, a really big moment of transformation. You know, even if you go back to like epic, universal human themes in folklore, or mythology, things like that, that is a really powerful, transformative journey that, you know, the details can be different for each of us. But you came to a place in yourself where the old story simply could no longer be allowed to continue. And the new story required a lot of, you know, arrangements, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual, rearranging, and the courage and strength it takes to move all of that inner furniture in one moment. That’s pretty demanding. And totally life changing. Right?

The Turning Point

Lauren Pla 17:13
So, so life changing. As a matter of fact, I remember it’s funny, because the actual moment that I mean, I had Look, I mean, it, the relationship wasn’t good, you know, so I had thought about it for years. And I had tried in other times to kind of say, like, this isn’t working like this clearly is not what I want, you know, and he could also be very loving, and that’s all you want in those moments. So you know, you just as amazing how you fall right into that, like, love me, oh, you’re gonna love me today. Like, okay, like, I’ll deal. Everything is erased. You know?

Lauren Pla 17:14
The thing that actually did it for me was after my daughter was born, I was already on high alert, because I kind of knew he had a single chance. And if anything, physical or mental were to happen after her birth, there was that there was no more I just was I knew in my mind, I was gonna go, I remember that we had gotten in an argument about something that was so ridiculous, like, it was not even something normally that we would argue about. But my daughter was in the room across from me crying in her crib, and I just wanted to go pick her up, but you can continue arguing with me, but I just wanted to go pick her up. And he wouldn’t let me go pick her up. And he just was like, No, we’re talking right now. And I was like, she’s crying. I just wanted to like, Where am I gonna go, you know?

Lauren Pla 18:34
And he used her to get to me. It wasn’t physical. It wasn’t even yelling. It was a very calm evening. And I thought to myself, I can either play it cool, and literally just leave tomorrow morning when he goes to work. Or I can absolutely let my inner lioness out and go batshit crazy and make this whole situation hell of a lot worse. What are you going to do? And I thought to myself, she’s fine. She’s in her crib. She will survive. I’m gonna play it cool. And literally I did not sleep. I was wide awake even when we went to bed all night. I was just waiting for him to just go to work. And the minute he went to work, I called my mom and I was like, You have probably half an hour to come pick me up because I feel like he knows something is up with me. And I left him everything. The house, my money, every everything. I was like, I want the kid. I want my cats. And we’re done. And yeah, it was like, you can mess with me but you will not keep me from my child like you must be nut s.

Zette Harbour 19:51
Yeah, how what a powerful…

Lauren Pla 19:52
Even while I’m telling it, I can feel it. Like don’t mess with a mama right?

Zette Harbour 19:57
Yes, I can hear it and see it. Yeah, very powerful moment. And what a gift to have that moment of clarity. Because it can be really easy, as you say, to, you know, when there are enough of the pleasing moments to help us kind of whitewash or gloss over the painful moments. And what a gift that your story of who you were as a mother, and what that meant in terms of your daughter created a boundary that could not be moved.

Lauren Pla 20:31
Non-negotiable, completely non-negotiable. Like, I remember it clear as day. And it was just like I had already been leading up to with all of these other feelings. But that was that was just like, it was so clear.

Zette Harbour 20:47
Beautiful. Wow, thank you for sharing that story. That is a really transformative moment.

Lauren Pla 20:52
Yeah, thank you, thank you for giving me the opportunity. It’s, you know, I talk about it fairly openly. I think some people have thought I’m nuts, because I’m quite open about this part of my life. But you know, it, it may it really did help make me who I am, which is someone that I’m very proud of today, and I don’t even it’s not even I’m not even casting shade on on him. There’s no need for that even.

An Archetype Of Possibility

Zette Harbour 21:19
Right. So thank you. You’re welcome. But again, thank you for being willing to share that with us. And I know that there are listeners for whom this story is going to be particularly relevant and meaningful. And so in sharing your story, you give them really almost an archetype of a possibility, a possibility for how they themselves can be not a you have to or you can’t or if you don’t you fail or any of those things, but simply a ‘look at this particular story. What in that story resonates with you and gives you strength and courage and the awareness that you matter?’ As much as Lauren matters? Right?

Lauren Pla 22:06
Yeah, it’s getting emotional here. You know, if, if anything that I have done in my life could ever inspire or help someone else make a decision that brings them to a more powerful place, you know, in their mind and their spirit like, that would just be, you know, I did certainly didn’t seek out, you know, to do this, or have that be a thing. But, you know, I think just after going through something like that, and really, like I said, like, I didn’t, I don’t fit, you know, a mold that people think exists for women that wind up in these situations. So for me to look back on it and be like, I have no idea like what possessed me to, you know, because I actually knew how he had treated some previous girlfriends before I dated him. Like, the whole story is so bizarre to me that I would have entered into this almost knowingly, but it was thinking like, it’ll never happen to me. That’s, that’s what the thought is. I’m amazing. So he’ll never treat me the way he treated them.

Lauren Pla 23:17
So to acknowledge these other women that maybe are in relationships where, you know, maybe maybe the the thought, or the idea, or the term emotionally abusive has popped into their head, but they think, you know, but my life is pretty good. And it doesn’t happen that often. Right? And is that really what it is like, there? We are second guessing ourselves up, down and sideways. You know, I mean, I couldn’t because once there’s physical, you know, the first time I got hit, I was literally stuck stunned into silence. Like, holy crap, this is a thing and tried to leave right at that moment. You know, like, you’re not going to do this to me, and then it was like, immediately dropped to the knees. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s a reaction from my past, you know, it won’t ever happen again. So typical, and like, just as a lover, okay. Like, it’s all we want to hear, you know, like, I love you. Okay, I believe you like now, you know, I’m amazing. You got it out of your system. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Lauren Pla 24:23
But it’s the idea that we all have a voice, an inner voice, an inner guidance system that nags at us, until we listen. And so just pay attention to it. It doesn’t even mean that you have to do anything drastic. You don’t have to quit your job and walk away which is my second transformational story, which I also did. But you don’t have to quit your job and walk away. You don’t have to walk out of the marriage. You don’t have to fear of giving up your entire life. You know, some of these women are in marriages where the wealth of their finances are wrapped up. solely in their husband, I mean, if they leave, they lose everything that they’ve known. I mean, it’s terrifying. So I just it’s listening to that voice. It’s just kind of honoring that you have an inner guidance system that it’s blinking all the time. Yeah, so

Zette Harbour 25:16
I am guessing, sounds like this informs your approach to coaching a lot.

Lauren Pla 25:23
Oh, my gosh, completely. Yeah. When I first graduated, the school, I was very sort of by the book, I didn’t really know how to do this, you know, I knew I wanted to help people. And I felt capable of being able to help them. But it was, you know, what do I say? And how do I approach and what do I do and you’re terrified, typically, most of us are terrified when we graduate. It’s like our first foray into you know, this helping modality. And it really took me just about a year and a half to like, kind of embrace, it’s my Whoo, it’s really what it is, you know, and I’m like, you know, I can drink the Kool Aid pretty quickly when it comes to like these spiritual ideas. But you don’t have to be living in like this whoo, whoo, tree hugging spiritual world, which I would hug a tree. So I’m not saying that I’m against that I’m very for it.

Spiritual Ideas In The Real World

Lauren Pla 26:20
But that the spiritual ideas, live in like the real world with regular people. And that’s where I’m kind of like, you don’t have to be woowoo or spiritual to understand that this is how this works. You still have it, and you can still feel it, and you can tap into it. And by the way, how cool is it to know that all the answers are inside of you, and you don’t need anybody else to tell you? Which I have to remind myself some days, because let’s be honest, I’m human, right? I’m the professional human. So there are days where I will find myself looking so far outside myself for answers, because I’m tired. And I’m like, Can somebody please just just tell me what the answer is today?

Zette Harbour 27:04
Right. And that’s why I think too, as coaches, we appreciate the value of coaching so much. I mean, I have had at least one and sometimes multiple coaches at a time.

Lauren Pla 27:18
Yes, ma’am.

Zette Harbour 27:19
Just depending on what I was needing to work on, right?

Lauren Pla 27:23
Completely. I told my coach yesterday, I said, sometimes I just need a pep talk. Can you please just pep talk to me and tell me that I’m amazing, because I don’t believe it today,

Zette Harbour 27:33
Right? And what’s great, I love how you point out that as a coach, you’re helping them see what’s already inside them, as opposed to necessarily layering on some data or information or even strategy. I mean, we can help with strategy, and we can help with information and data. But the power is in awakening them to that awareness of what’s within them. Right?

Lauren Pla 27:58
It really, it really, really is because nobody can ever tell someone else what is right for them. You can take advice from your friends from your family, you can try different things out and then determine Do I really like this? You know, am I doing this? I how many people do you know I just had a conversation with someone yesterday, which was just sort of so funny, because as I was talking with her, she’s literally she’s in a text conversation with someone else. And she’s literally telling me, why did I just say that? It was like I think she was in the it was like a blind date situation. And she was invited for like sushi. Is sushi good. Like he says, like, do you like sushi? And she’s like, Yeah, that’s great. And she looks at me and she’s like, why do I say that? I don’t even like sushi?

Lauren Pla 28:49
Like, how many times do you just kind of go against what you might real? And how would your day be different? And how might you show up in that date differently? If you were like, I really don’t like sushi? I’d rather go get tacos like what do you think about that like? This recognize that you can embrace yourself in for who you are. It just it changes so much. You have all your answers, because who knows you better than you?

Zette Harbour 29:18
And what changes in your experience of that moment? Or even that date? Or what if it turns into a relationship? If you consistently tell the truth about yourself to yourself and to the person across from you?

Lauren Pla 29:32
Yes. And I love what you just said, to yourself, because you know what, that’s really hard. Sometimes. I really do believe that we all, we all know when we’re lying to ourselves about something. I just think you know, even if you say you don’t know, you may think you don’t know, but I think you know and that’s even harder than telling someone else the truth about yourself. Because I I have seen it time and time again with some friends and and some clients where they recognize a thing that they may not have recognized previously. And when they say it out loud, it makes it real. And the next piece of that is they have shame and judgment around it, which is a whole other thing to work on.

Radical Acceptance

Lauren Pla 30:22
Because if you can just be aware, and have this sort of radical acceptance of whatever you’ve done, or whatever you have felt, or whatever you have said, you’re human, you’re not meant to get it right all the time, you’re meant to do these things and grow and learn and maybe teach, you know, and it’s really fascinating, I think being honest with yourself is so vulnerable.

Zette Harbour 30:49
It is because I agree, because when you do that you are going to come face to face and heart to heart, and even belly to belly with stories you may have that are about any kind of shame or blame that may be inside, right. And so those are the coaching moments, those are the powerful coaching moments.

Lauren Pla 31:11
They’re so beautiful, they really are. And I feel very blessed. I’m that coach that cries with my clients, like I don’t know, you know, when they teach you, it’s almost like, you know, that’s not professional or you’re not supposed and I’m like, sorry. You know, like, if you’re sitting in my space, especially if you’re across from me, and I’m an empath to begin with. So like, I’m already in it, and you’re telling me something that’s vulnerable and scary, and you’re crying like, I can’t, I can’t help it. Like I’m crying because I’m with I’m just with you, you know, and I’ll hold you up. But I’m also going to cry.

Zette Harbour 31:51
You are, as you say, You’re very level four. And for any listeners who maybe haven’t heard about that before, level four is one of the seven energy levels identified by Bruce Schneider, who created the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching. And at level four, your core sort of story that you live by is ‘how how are you doing?’ Right, the other person? How are you doing?

Lauren Pla 32:17
Yes.

Zette Harbour 32:18
And as long as you’re doing well, I feel I’m doing well. And there’s real power in that. And then there’s also those moments where it can catch you up that you were talking about earlier. There are things about each level that expand our lives and things about each level that constrict our lives. Right. And with level four, the expansion is that beautiful feeling of compassion and caring, and what that the power that that brings within, right. And then the the part that constricts is when you cared so much about the other that you forget about your own self.

Lauren Pla 32:52
Correct, which I have done and I still do on occasion, I’m just more aware of it. So I can kind of catch myself. But there absolutely are people in my life that you know, have gotten used to access to me in a certain way. I may want to be able to articulate, I need some boundaries, but I still really love you. And if they don’t, like I don’t want to hurt someone that I love, and there might be some hurt because that person hasn’t done the work or the studying that I’ve done to know enough that what I’m saying isn’t about them. It’s about me. Right? I really do love you exactly the same as I did yesterday. I just don’t want you in my house today. Because I need some space. It’s really fascinating. This work in general is really, really fascinating. I mean, the human mind is fascinating. Behavior is fascinating. So yes, I’ve, I am a level four and I’m a, I’m a I’m a recovering, a recovering level four.

Zette Harbour 34:03
That’s awesome.

Lauren Pla 34:04
I’ll be recovering my whole life, I’m sure because I enjoy it.

Superpowers Found Within

Zette Harbour 34:07
Well, you know, that just kind of points to the idea that that which is sort of our area of growth is also our superpower.

Lauren Pla 34:14
Yes.

Zette Harbour 34:15
Right? So you know, that’s why it’s going to be the doorway through which you get to explore and experience a lot of your personal growth just like the rest of us. You know, our area of growth is also our superpower. And it’s going to be that it’s that place that we do the work and it’s when we can be grateful for it like I can hear in you that you are grateful for this this work in your life.

Lauren Pla 34:37
So grateful I really just the people that I’ve met and just the, I feel like it’s, there’s like a great big cosmic joke of that, that the understanding of all of this stuff is supposed to be so hard. And it’s actually really easy, right? And I feel like I found that and I want to be like, I want to share it. I want to like yell it to the world and be like, this isn’t so hard. We’re making it hard, you know? And if something can be easier, I’m on board. You know, that’s like, if it’s free, it’s for me and I’ll take three. I’m like, if it’s easy, shoot it on right over here.

Zette Harbour 35:19
That’s great. Well, this is great time to ask you. How can people connect with you, talk with you, find out more about your work?

Connect With Lauren

Lauren Pla 35:26
Yes. Oh my gosh. So I do have a website, which I do believe up to now has all of my information on it. So the website, so my coaching, I”ll give you a quick background. My my coaching practice is called Hineni Coaching. It’s Hineni. It’s a Hebrew word. It is not based in religion. The story of Hineni is on my website, which I’m very proud of. I love the colors. I love everything. So you can go read the story because it’s a story, right? I’m a storyteller. So I put that on the website.

Lauren Pla 36:01
But the word itself means ‘here I am’ in Hebrew. I did grow up Jewish. So there’s Hebrew in my history, which is why I was drawn to the Hebrew word. And it shows up in the Bible during very profound moments of personal you know, showing up and I thought that was so cool. Like that is the essence of what I want to teach people and how I want to coach people. It’s ‘here I am’ right not here I am, ‘here you are.’ You’re in there. So it’s www.HineniCoaching.com. It’s h i n e n i coaching, all one word. I’m on Instagram, which is just my name. It’s at Lauren Pla. And I’m on Facebook, which is Lauren Levin Pla. So I’m a couple of different places but my phone number is plastered all over there too.

Zette Harbour 36:56
So, okay, and that’s Lauren Pla, P L A.

Lauren Pla 37:01
Yes, thank you to my husband who offered his name.

Zette Harbour 37:05
Well, this has been a delight. So grateful to hear your story. Thank you for your willingness to share.

Lauren Pla 37:13
I’m glad that we connected. Honestly, I was looking forward to this. This is so much fun. I I love telling it because I I really do think that it resonates and if, like i said, if it helps one person become open to learning something else or aware of something that maybe isn’t working, then I was here for a reason. So thank you so much. Really appreciate it.

Zette Harbour 37:38
Oh, you’re welcome. It’s been a delight. Good. All right, Lauren. Well, thank you again, and really appreciate you being here.

Zette Harbour 37:57
This is Zette Harbour, and Love Lies Beneath. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast, so you don’t miss a single bit of this adventure. And visit my website LoveLiesBeneath.com where you can find show notes, resources, and a link to set up a virtual coffee date with me, so that I can hear your story. Go raibh míle maith agat!


Written by Zette · Categorized: Podcast

Jun 19 2021

Episode 16 Exploring Rumpelstiltskin

This story gives us the path through those moments when we find ourselves unpleasantly surprised by a change in our lives, by the dishonesty or betrayal of someone that we thought loved us. I like to think of the straw in the story as the events of our lives, the fairly ordinary stuff of life, some of its even mud-caked or covered with manure, but it’s that ordinary straw. How do we, as the beings walking in this three-dimensional plane, how do we take that straw and transform it into a rich, gleaming, enduring treasure?


Subscribe to this podcast at Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, and many more.


My book, Love Lies Beneath: How Reclaiming My Soul Through Story Became The Secret To Healing My Heart is available in paperback and as a Kindle at Amazon. 


Transcript

Exploring Rumpelstiltskin


Written by Zette Harbour · Categorized: Podcast

Jun 12 2021

Episode 15 The Heroine’s Journey With Kind Curiosity

A really good map is essential for any adventure. As you journey into your wild, inner landscapes, you’ll rely on the map I share in my book, Love Lies Beneath, that I talk about here.


Subscribe to this podcast at Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, and many more.


My book, Love Lies Beneath: How Reclaiming My Soul Through Story Became The Secret To Healing My Heart is available in paperback and as a Kindle at Amazon. 


Transcript

The Heroine’s Journey


Written by Zette Harbour · Categorized: Podcast

Jun 05 2021

Episode 14 The Land Of Story

Mirror, Mirror on the wall…

In the story, the mirror tells the queen the truth and the same is true for the mirrors of our lives that are found in our stories. I discovered my own most powerful mirrors in traditional folktales.


Subscribe to this podcast at Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, and many more.


My book, Love Lies Beneath: How Reclaiming My Soul Through Story Became The Secret To Healing My Heart is available in paperback and as a Kindle at Amazon. 


Transcript

The Land Of Story

0:02
Welcome to Love Lies Beneath. I’m Zette Harbour. I’m glad to have you here. Do you feel like stress, fear or pain take up way too much of your energy? Have you wondered if you’ll ever be free of that heaviness of your past? Do you long to feel as good on the inside as your life looks on the outside?

0:44
In this podcast, you’ll discover the story of who you really are, and how to set yourself free. Together, we’re going to travel into those wild spaces of our inner landscapes, and dive deeply into the rich soil of our lives, reclaiming Soul through Story and healing our Hearts. My book, Love Lies Beneath is the map. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast so you don’t miss any of this enriching journey. And now, let the adventure begin.

1:45
In Episode 14, The Land Of Story. I am going to share a section of my book where I talk about the very first story that I reconnected to as an adult that opened a doorway into a land of such wonder for me. There was a perfect storm of ingredients that created this moment, being introduced to Carl Jung’s dream work and archetypes and Joseph Campbell’s mythology and his statement that our world needs a new story. When I heard him say that it really awakened a desire in me to, in whatever way I could, be a part of that, seeking and creating a new story.

The Hero’s Journey Is The Old Story

2:42
When I talk to people about story, it’s really common for them to acknowledge that they’re very familiar with the hero’s journey. We’ve seen it in Greek mythology. We’ve seen it in television shows, in books, in movies. The hero starts out with humble beginnings, and some terrible thing happens to turn his life upside down. And as a result, he begins to search… for himself really. And in doing so he generally learns that he is, in fact a true warrior and is able to attain a mastery of his skills. And it almost always ends with some sort of a battle. There are weapons, there’s armor. Someone usually has to die.

3:37
And I think that’s the story that Joseph Campbell was talking about. At least for me, that seemed the obvious choice. To me, it seemed like we need to shift from our worship of the hero’s journey, and find a new way. So, in order to be a part of this discovery, and creation of a new cultural story, I found myself, just, called deeply to folklore. There’s so much of it that we aren’t really that familiar with. What we’ve been exposed to in the media and movies and books, is really quite different than what the original tales have to tell us. And it’s by spending time with those original tales and feeling deeply into the universal human themes that are there and feeling deeply into what they showed me about my own life, I began to grow in my excitement and my certainty about the new story that was possible. It would begin with me and my own story.

Mirrors For My Soul

5:00
I learned that these folktales were truly mirrors for myself, I learned that these folktales were actually mirrors in which I could discover myself. They showed me so much about who I am, who I thought I was, the sorts of things that I brought along with me to explain who I believed myself to be. And these folktales actually offered me a great diversity, of images, of ways of being, of identities even. And it was in discovering that diversity, that I connected to my own diversity within, that I hadn’t even known existed until these stories awakened within me.

6:11
I’m going to read the next section of my book called The Land Of Story. The first story that reunited me with my childhood love of folklore was Rumpelstiltskin. About 28 years ago, I was reading it to my four year old daughter, and felt myself light up inside. I remembered it from my childhood and enjoyed all of the wonder it had awakened in me back then. Now, with my awareness of Young’s work with dreams, and my blossoming understanding of archetypes, I saw this imaginary world become alive and three dimensional right before my very eyes.

6:55
This wasn’t just the tale of a mysterious, powerful little man solving a young woman’s unsolvable problem in exchange for her child. I could hear the weaver telling his daughter, how he had lied to the king. I felt her pain of betrayal and confusion. I lived with her in those moments of fear, as she faced an impossible task under the threat of death. Like her, I was willing to pay anything to escape the trouble someone else’s mistake had put me in. Once I saw the power of this initiatory story, I knew it was just a matter of setting out on the adventure. My view of my life shifted as it from black and white into Technicolor. I felt like I possessed secret knowledge that had been hidden in plain sight the whole time. Story was the key to making what often felt like a one dimensional life come alive in three and even four dimensions. I was being invited to go on a quest of awakening. Because of this, I fell in love with stories.

The Journey Within

8:07
I have spent a lot of time exploring the land of story. I have walked the paths, wandered in the forests, and hiked the mountains. There have also been barren deserts, murky bogs, terrifying clifftops, and raging floods. What I found is that it is a mystical landscape that exists within each one of us. It is also how we explain the ordinary world we inhabit. My story tells me who I am and how I fit into this space and time I call my life. Folklore has allowed me to find a treasure trove of images and feelings with which to craft a richer story for myself. In these tales, I have seen possibilities that had not been available to me before. I was no longer trapped in a world where things were only bad or good. There would be disappointments, betrayals, losses, and even threats in these folktales as in my own life. From the safer perspective of an adult, I could see these events as essential elements of my journey in becoming more fully me. The characters I came to know and love taught me that life is a weaving of moments. Some of them feel good, others do not. These emotional triggers do not make those moments inherently good or bad.

9:48
For example, in exploring the stories in this book, I have been able to appreciate the alchemical nature of the painful moments in my life. This awareness does not eliminate the sting of the heartache. It does, however, allow me to search for and find its meaning. Before discovering the power of Story, I had lived with a weaving of images that told me who I was. Anytime I had a wounding that I had not been able to heal, I just scrunched the threads in a ball and shoved them into the fabric. This meant that there were more than a few knots and twisted messes jutting out. By immersing myself in the world of folktales, I learned to tease out my story threads and untangle them. This dramatically altered the tapestry I had woven to tell the story of me and my life. It is incredible what a difference it makes when the knots and tangles of life are sorted out. The image that emerges shines more beautifully, even with the inclusion of the unwieldy, darker moments

11:03
Before being initiated into this world of imagination, my response to my journey’s dark moments had been rejection and loathing. It is in being present to those demanding parts of the story that the tapestry becomes art. Only when there are compassion and nonjudgment is presence possible.

11:26
My earlier unloving way of handling the parts of my story that were painful and frightening, ensured that those threads would stay thoroughly tangled. The tableau would have ugly sections that I would not want to look at, for good reason. In declaring them ugly, they became ugly and I was justified in rejecting them. They were not worthy of my attention, and especially not of my love. Unfortunately, since the only way to banish them was to cut out the part of me that felt them, I maimed myself. Lots of ugly spots slashed with swords of hatred and disgust. No wonder I did not want to look closely at my life.

A New Story, A New Love

12:13
I am eternally grateful that I found Story and it found me. As I fell in love with each tale, I embarked on the journey of the heroine within. During my travels there I found a way to stay connected to my feelings of caring and acceptance for my ugly bits. When it came time to look at my own tale, I found it easier to transfer the caring and acceptance I felt for the folklore characters over to myself. The folktales were my dress rehearsals for retrieving my stories, healing my pain, and recovering my power.

12:53
Being able to tell the story of where I came from how I got here and where I want to go next is central to being human. It is foundational and utterly essential to be fully alive. Without Story, there is only a momentary and vague impression. If it is pleasing, then not having a lens through which to understand it may not feel like a problem. However, if that sensation is painful or frightening, it is essential to create some narrative to manage and navigate it. With Story, I may be able to make sense of my adversity or find meaning in it. Without Story, hurt, fear, and overwhelm take over. What I desperately need is to grasp onto some semblance of order. If I do not have an account that helps me make sense of my world, I am lost. Because of this even a negative story is better than no story at all. Creating a painful narrative about myself is at least something I can hold on to.

14:07
Making Story is a human birthright. We may be the only species that has the ability to create fiction, to make Story. In fact, there is no human culture on earth that exists without Story. This gift, which is sometimes a curse, gave rise to our creation stories, as well as the notion of what happens beyond life and in death. It is a tool used to inspire people as much as it has been wielded as a weapon to control them. It is the ability to create images, feelings and understandings most often with words. It gives the power to amplify life. It is also the tool used to engage others in elevating their lives.

14:57
Story is the fuel for every movement and revolution humankind has ever participated in. Your Story can keep you tethered and trapped at the bottom of the abyss, or it can launch you into the stratosphere and carry you into limitless space. Folktales make excellent mirrors for my own stories because they exist at a friendly distance. When I look within them, I only see what is meaningful to me at that moment. I have always encouraged listeners to hold their own hands up in front of their faces like a mirror. Then I ask, what do you see when you look into a mirror? The answer is, of course, that you see yourself.

15:44
Then one day, a brilliant and wise child chimed in that you see yourself and a bunch of the stuff behind you. I was stunned by the insight of this young boy. He had articulated something right there in front of me, but that I had not consciously seen. Of course, in a mirror, I do see myself and a bunch of the stuff behind me. That is the power of tapping into stories as mirrors, I discover how I presently see myself, as well as the stories of my past that make this image possible.

Loving Guides

16:35
Traditional folktales allowed me to begin to see myself with less harshness, less judgment, less hatefulness toward myself. It didn’t happen overnight. And it wasn’t easy. It was simple. All I had to do was rely on the folktale to be my most faithful mirror. And as long as I was willing to look into her, she showed me everything that I needed. It was a skill that I had to develop, to learn to allow myself to see those ugly, tangled places in my story, those ugly tangled places in me, as long as I brought kind curiosity with me, and trusted that every single story contained within me had deep, rich wisdom, just waiting, I knew that I would be able to reclaim all the parts of me that I had left by the wayside, sitting in the dust and the dirt, all alone.

17:54
So I want to leave you with this thought. As you look at the moments in your life where you are experiencing that stress, that fear, or even pain, allow it. for just a moment, to be a story and imagine it as a mirror that you can look into with your own kind curiosity, trusting that there is deep rich wisdom within and know that you have the right that you deserve to become whole once again. You deserve to come home to yourself.

18:45
I’m Zette Harbour. This is Love Lies Beneath. I’m Zette. Please subscribe to this podcast so that you do not miss a single step of this journey. And I invite you to connect with me at LoveLiesBeneath.com There you will find show notes and other resources and you can also set up a Virtual Coffee Date with me. I would love to hear your story. Go raibh míle maith agat!


Written by Zette Harbour · Categorized: Podcast

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